Mary & Sue
Or the Tragical History of How Allah Sent Us a Camel
and What Happened Next
Written by Mary and Sue (of course!)
Disclaimer: George Lucas owns da boys. We make no money and what little we do have is spent entirely on butter and beer..
Summary: Warning! This is the classical Mary Sue at its best, so of course, the story will follow all rules of classical marysuedom, which means, there are some hot Force-boys, some absolutely irresistible Earth-girls (what did you think? Why would we want to write about being ugly, stupid and in general unremarkable?), some action, some funny stuff, some hot stuff, and a whole lot of general silliness. But it is not humour -- marysuedom is a serious business.
Feedback: Please send feedback to Mary & Sue
Initial posting: On dmeb2.
Acknowledgement: Thankyousas to Nocturne for betaing this beast into submission!
Note: The name of God the Great and Gracious is used more than once in this story. Although the whole story is for entertainment, we don't intend blasphemy.
where Mary reveals her pancake trick and another guest invites himself in his typical forceful (yet this time Force-less) manner
and Others: Mary’s POV
To be honest, I had no reason to smile. I wasn’t even in an elated mood. I was scared. But let me proceed in the chronological order of events...
There were two possible ways to reach our nearest butter’n’beer supply. The first route was longer and smoother, through open grass and woodland; and the second, a much shorter one, right through the wood and partly traveling the regular road. But with my brave steed — well maintained and oiled — between my legs, I felt able even to contend with the bumpiness and boringness of the latter one.
So I rode on with the bicycle. The broken pavement between the old cowsheds flew past, and I rode beneath the cool, green canopy of the glen. Well, not exactly a glen. It was instead a dip in the landscape, a long stretching valley with a little lake, hidden behind briar patches.
Sadly this best part of the ride was over too soon , and I stopped in front of the railway tracks. I consoled myself with the thought that on the way back I would pass the valley again.
Hearing no train, I managed to move the bicycle over the tracks and continued my way toward the next problem.
”Ah, my beauties! This is a nice day for pancakes, isn’t it? Here’s one for your Austrian taste, Adolf. And one for my black Heinrich. Where did you go, Josef?” A loud barking three-legged dog limped nearer. He got his share, as did the big fat Hermann.
This little sithly trick played with the baser instincts of the dogs and was one of my latest ideas. One that I was particularly proud of. The rest of my ride wouldn’t provide any more adventure — a rather boring gravel road guided me straight into the village. Unfortunately it was also the longest part of the way. As the thought of our domestic Jedi crossed my mind, I started moving faster. Ok, my very short hair wouldn’t float, as his probably would do when he rode a bicycle. Ah, Sue you are the lucky one. You have this handsome guy around you, while I have to ride through dust and dirt on a mission to refill our refrigerator.
”Bonjour, Mademoiselle!” I had arrived. As usual, a little girl was playing in the yard of the first farm at the right side.
”Mama! The strange woman is coming!”
Well, this sounded like I had better saved one of the pancakes for this occasion too.
”Darling, that’s Mary, don’t you remember? She repaired your toys.” The farmer’s wife appeared on the door with a friendly smile. ”Hi, Mary — how can I help you?”
”We forgot to buy several items yesterday … could you sell me some butter?”
She nodded agreement and stepped back to let me in. While preparing the fat-proof packet for me, the woman offered to sell other products of her farm, and asked about her brother, the local constable who had been running at my heels for the entire summer.
I grinned. ”As usual, up to twice a week he graces Sue and me with his presence.”
”I'd better have a serious talk with him; he shouldn't pester you.”
”No prob so far. But thanks, I'll keep your offer for military support in mind.”
Shaking her head and chuckling, she went back into the house.
Now I turned to the little girl ”Would the fierce dragon take care for the silver horse?” The farmer’s daughter grinned broadly — we both had developed a secret language to communicate with each other. Not even her mother knew all rules of it.
I didn’t need much time to buy the items Sue had told me what we’d run out of — beer and sweets.
With the highly perishable cargo I started my way back home.
The gravel road had become a bit dusty due to the light wind, which had dried the yesterday’s rain.
The dogs lay asleep.
A train crossed. I had to wait.
Then I arrived at the entrance to the valley.
I slowed down, deciding to make a little detour to have a glance at the lake. I loved this place — so I couldn’t resist checking it every time it was possible. It was never the same sight. The light, the animals visiting it, the sound of the wood around it — all that was changing over the day.
I didn’t leave the bicycle, just put one foot at the ground to keep balance. How long I had stood submerged in peaceful silence I didn’t know. The next thing I knew was something heavy was placed on my right hand.
It was another hand. A black gloved one. It belonged to an arm in black fabric. The arm ended as ordinary arms do, in a shoulder. But above the shoulder everything was non-ordinary.
It seemed I must have reacted without wasting time thinking. Even the fact that I had looked into yellow eyes staring at me from a mask-like black and red striped face I registered only after I was a good distance away. I stopped my headlong flight at the old cowsheds to catch my breath and become clear about what I’d seen.
The rotten brick-walls were a consoling reality. I leaned the bicycle against the wall and sat down. HE. No doubt, even the crown of horns had been where it should be. Another impostor? Do we have carnival time, or what? But the Jedi knight is also real … Qui-Gon’s mission … Oh, no! This couldn’t be true. The guy I met must have been a Darth-Maul-wannabe. But if so, why was I so deeply shocked? Maybe it was an intense daydream — no one followed me. He would have, if he were real. I shouldn’t drink so much beer—but then, beer didn’t usually provoke such fantasies. Damn! I had truly felt a weight on my hand! I had even felt the warmth radiating from a living body! The shine in the golden eyes fixed on me! The scent of his alien flesh! My dearest fantasy, Darth Maul. Oh, boy, to meet a Sith Lord in reality is a special experience … And now? What should I make of it? The guys would kill each other if they met … And I hadn’t yet talked a single word with the Sith. He had seemed as handsome as I remembered him from the screen — with one extra: he was three-dimensional! I couldn't suppress a giggle building in my throat. I didn’t want him to consider me stupid because I fled like a headless chicken. Hey, Mary where are your thoughts drifting? You wouldn’t ride back and find him, ne?
I decided first to store the thoroughly shaken beer in the fridge to veil all
traces of my hasty ride. Hopefully I could hide my discovery with the same ease.
A few moments later I was at the gate and greeted Qui-Gon and Sue with studied
mirth. Maybe I could speak afterwards with Sue to find a way out of this
First Council Meeting: Sue’s POV
Mary was back — high time for the meal! I ran into the cold sauna and splashed myself with a bucketful of rainwater. Then I went back to the kitchen. I threw some eggs and ham on the pan, and sliced bread. Then potatoes on another pan with a spoonful of butter. Out into the garden, for a handful of salad and green onions. Made a salad. When I finally noticed that Mary was trying to get my attention, I came to a screeching halt.
”What’s wrong, Mary?”
Mary looked around and saw our guest was still working in the yard.
”He’s here,” Mary whispered, ”I saw him.”
”Qui’s mission. I saw Maul today.”
”Wha … And you’re alive to tell me about it?” I asked, wondering what I should feel: disbelief, shock, irony, fear, or perhaps nothing at all.
Mary gave a nervous giggle.
Well, here’s one who calls himself Qui-Gon and has a lightsabre … Why shouldn’t the show go on and new characters be introduced? ... Man, there’s a Maul somewhere around here..
For a while we both sat in silence.
”What should we do?” I asked. ”What if he is in search of Qui … and with the Jedi here … you know where it would put us? In-between two warring factions.”
”Sue, what if he is…” Mary hesitated, then just repeated her nervous giggle.
The most important things are usually the most difficult to say, so I tried to help her.
”You want to go back and find him?”
”What if … Remember the way Qui was when we found him … What if he needs help?”
I snorted. ”Help? A Sith Lord?” Then thought about it. And thought some more. And couldn’t convince myself that it was a pile of poodoo we were about to step in, or that it was better to let things lie. It’s a bitch when your head tells you one thing and your heart tells another.
Feel, don’t think.
”Mary, do you want me to come with you? Or should I stay to keep Qui out of the way?”
Al Sirat: Mary’s POV
To find a guardian angel when you stand on this high-arching, blade-like bridge called Al-Sirat is pure salvation. Oh, dear Sue, I never loved you more for your calmness. I could only manage to whisper: ”You take care of Qui. Let him cut the whole wood around the village, trap him in the sauna, kiss him to within an inch of his life — just keep him busy.” Sue seemed to become a bit distracted. I grabbed her hand ”I’ll find Maul.” My spirits rose ”If it is as we assume, he can’t be far away from the spot I met him earlier. Give me two, no, three hours.”
”And … if you’re not back after this time?” Sue frowned. ”Shall I tell the Jedi about it?”
”Yes. But not before! Heaven or hell, it is better we have both here under our control, than if it-” Allah, IT. Bloody, little IT— ”happens somewhere outside. Can you make it? Two hours? Just don’t tell Qui what I’m doing.” Another ”it” flashed through my brain. ”Damn! Sue! He is a Jedi. He can read thoughts …” My mouth again became dry.
”I’m not sure that he can.” Sue tried to avoid my eyes. ”I am not sure … side-effects of the Force-storm, ya know?”
Sounded reasonable. ”May Allah listen to you. I must go — he is coming.” Sue followed my gaze to the porch where Qui appeared.
I vanished into thin air, leaving Sue alone with the problem of how to explain our guest why I would not partake of the meal. Quietly, I managed to slip through the house and out of the back door. In the garden I climbed over the wall — well veiled by some berry-bush. Once in the street, I only needed to walk around a corner, then I was beyond sight from our house. I started to jog.
There were two possibilities, I said to myself. First, I could trust my underdeveloped tracking-skills, second I could trust Maul’s sithliness to find me again, if he wished to do so. I was curious as to which one would work. Perhaps I would find my dark prince lying under a mighty tree. Unconscious — because of his wounds. The sun’s rays broken by the thick canopy of leaves dashing gold over him. Gold. His eyes. Mary? Today there is no bright sunlight, and you start thinking romantic rubbish.
Arriving at the lake, I looked around intently before I made my way through the wood. Ah, right there were my bike’s tracks. And that could be his footprint. We’ll see where it guides me. The next thought made me laugh — Don’t think, follow your instincts!
Well, it was definitely not my ”instincts” which let me climb up the next available tree like a squirrel. It was the black movement that my alerted senses caught from the corner of my eyes. From the relative security of my level I peered down. Well, well, Darth Maul. And I had been not wrong; he WAS handsome! But was he injured too, as Sue and I suspected? The multi-layered robes made it hard to judge his physical condition. Even his stance gave no indication about his state of health. Could be his face was a bit more mask-like than I had expected, but …
… It was also possible that it wasn’t — after all, I was probably not yet experienced enough in reading Zabrakian features.
Why? What? It talks! How lovely …
”I know you’re looking for me, so why you don’t come down?”
”Yes my — Lord” I grinned as I managed to jump down quite gracefully ”I rather thought that you were looking for me. I’m Mary. Need help?”
”I need some support. Food. Information.”
Gotcha. I said ”No prob, just follow me. My friend’s house is in the next village. She and I will be glad to help you out.”
He still didn’t change his expression. ”Other way round. You will deliver the items here. No village, no friend.”
”No. If no village and no friend, then no — help.”
Perhaps I shouldn’t have overstressed the helping aspect. The next thing I knew I was being strangled. The Sith stood suddenly in front of me, one hand clutching my throat, pinning me to the tree. Okay. Point taken — you’re bigger than I am. Look, I don’t fight! But if I’m dead, where will you find h ... err — support?"
”You’re a very clever—” he took away his hand while he looked up and down my body, ”—woman, Mary. So do me the favor and bring a few things here into the wood.” As his eyes met mine again, they radiated a sufficient amount of fire to melt ice. He even developed a cute little smile. Okay, after the reasonable-guy approach, the nasty-guy approach. After the nasty-guy approach, the nice-guy approach. But damn, I couldn’t deny — it worked on me. Maul’s smile deepened.
”My Lord…” Allah, may this, my last and only trump-card, work, ”I know why you’re here. The person you are after IS in the next village, in my friend’s house. Now will you come with me?”
Pity, pity — the Sith gathered himself, and all the sweetness vanished. He said, ”Tell me the way. I’ll be there at the dusk. You will wait for me and let me in.”
”Ah, come on… just follow me now…”
”The way. Now!”
Damn, I shivered inwardly at the tension in his voice! That meant trouble. ”As you command, my Lord: as night falls, follow the tracks of my bicycle until your reach two abandoned buildings.” Heaven knows, if a Sith-Lord would have ever heard about cows. ”From there I’ll guide you. Wait for me.” He nodded in agreement and made a dismissing gesture. Why so hasty, my dark Lord?, I thought before I became aware of the minute sweat drops on his forehead and the rising uncertainty in the focus of the brilliant golden eyes … ”Are you hurt? I’d better stay and…”
Now there was not only tension in the voice — he obviously struggled against a sudden onslaught of agony. ”Go!! We will meet in the evening!”
Uh, proud are we? Very well. I went home without a backwards glance. But I must admit with very curious ears. If he’d lost consciousness and fallen down, I’d have gone back immediately. Pity, pity, he didn’t do as I wished.
However, there was this one big problem: how to tell Qui? The whole way back I had no better idea than to speak frankly about the Sith. Maybe this was the appropriate solution; maybe it was only because at the very bottom of my heart I was dead sure that the Jedi wouldn’t take advantage of an injured enemy. But some uncertainty still remained … Sue, there is more brainstorming in order.
I found Sue and Qui in the neighbor’s garden. At first I heard their laughter, then I realized that Sue must have convinced Qui to have a look at the big swing the neighbor had set up. Good idea! As I entered the yard, again a beautiful rural image flashed before my eyes: the two tall, blonde figures stood on the swing, one hand at the supporting chain, with the other arm — only for more stability — holding each other around the waist. Their little precise body-movements guided the swing, while Sue was giving our guest a lecture about the lovely old swing-songs that I had heard her sing sometimes. Qui-Gon smiled at her — his face like hers colored by the elated mood the two were in.
I hated to interrupt, but I managed a lame grin. ”Hi, Sue — don’t seduce Jedi Knights, will ya? I am back and need your help with the … with … with the baking.” Qui-Gon sent me a strange look. ”Yeah, Qui — pity but true, I never felt very comfortable with kitchen-issues.” Sue followed me, eyes full of concern.
The discussion was short — we decided Sue would not to tell Qui about our new guest before he arrived. That would delay the time of the confrontation a bit more into future. At least Allah seemed to smile on us — we didn’t need to work out complicated plans of how to expel the Jedi from the house. When we kneaded our alibi-dough, Qui appeared and told us briefly that he felt inclined to go and have a look at his ship. He probably wouldn’t be back until morning. He left soon afterwards, well equipped with some food and beverage that he couldn't refuse for his long trip.
Well, I do not have any clear remembrance how Sue or I spent the hours until the coming of the Sith Lord. Daydreaming, most probably, about our obsession and gorgeous men, the floods of blood and gore, sweat and semen rolling at the fan sites, now all personified in one tall stranger in our house — and hopefully, another, just as droolworthy, soon to arrive.
As the sun tilted to the west, I set out to bring home our half-welcome-and-half-unwelcome visitor. He wasn’t at the place I had indicated. I felt a tinge of disappointment in my heart. Why not look into the cowshed on the right? I passed the crumbling gate. Dark emptiness. Not even a rat. I balanced a short distance at the small wall of the liquid-manure gutter, gingerly avoiding breaking trough the wooden cover of the trench. ”My Lord…?”
”Ah, you and your flashy appearances!” Although I had expected some kind of surprise, I was really glad for the hard hand that held my elbow and prevented me from stumbling. I addressed my nearly invisible companion. ”We needn't wait till is it entirely dark. Let’s go now.”
Obviously it was much worse than we had supposed. When we arrived at our
gate, Maul showed every sign of someone exhausted to death. Sue assisted me in
helping him the last few steps into the house without remembering to introduce
Courting Trouble: Sue’s POV
”We’ll put you on the sofa in the back room. So you won’t have to run up and down those stairs,” I decided. Quickly Mary found some clean sheets, blankets, a roll of towels to support his neck — because otherwise we would run out of unslashed pillows quickly. The black figure had lowered himself on a chair, and I stooped to take off his boots. The man wasn’t co-operative at all — he just sat there, motionless, letting us serve him. When I tried to rid him of his boots, he would have slid down from the chair, but for Mary holding him.
”You know we should get you cleaned up.” I looked around. One cannot take a sick man out and pour cold water over him. Wet towels would have to do, for now. Quickly I ran for some towels and a basin of warm water. When I returned, Mary had managed to coax the man to stand up and was busy with his belt.
Together, we managed to get him out of his field cloak and tunic. I tried to put on a brave face when we worked on the trousers, but I couldn’t suppress the sigh. Mary didn’t look at me, but I suppose she must have felt the same. Right between the upper and the lower abdomen the ugly and barely healed scar looked like an insult to the proportions of this perfect body.
Quickly we cleaned him up as best as we could, patted him dry, and dropped him into his bed. He hadn’t spoken a word; but his golden eyes, although tired and dull-looking, had occasionally traveled around the room and over us.
”Don’t worry,” Mary whispered, ”We’ll look after you.” He closed his eyes and it was as if two bright lamps had been switched off — the room was darker and calmer. I thought about going to the kitchen to bring him something to eat and drink, to restore his strength, but the man was asleep in a matter of seconds.
We watched him in silence for some moments, and then closed the door quietly behind us.
As Mary had predicted, Maul was up in the morning after a good night’s sleep — up, and much more alive, and he didn’t hesitate to let us know.
”I need food,” he said as soon as we showed our faces in his room.
”What will we give him to eat?” I thought aloud. ”If he’s weak it should be something light.”
”Dunno. Soup?” Mary suggested.
We both looked at the man who looked almost ridiculous with his dark and menacing face between clean white sheets.
”Meat? But if you’re starved you may just throw it up!”
”Meat,” the man repeated. ”I need proteins.”
Dutifully we scurried into the kitchen and piled upon a plate whatever ”proteins” we could find: yesterday’s warmed-up steaks, a couple of boiled eggs from this morning, slices of ham, with some slices of bread and butter, just in case he would want them. And a glass of milk.
I stood at the door, as Mary offered all those items to the man. Immediately, he picked up the glass: ”I don’t drink this. Bring me something else.” As though she had read his thoughts, Mary snatched the glass from his hand before he could throw it to the floor.
The arrogance! In our house, after all we’d done for him!
”Bring me some water,” he ordered.
”Mind your manners, mister,” I snapped and left, Mary followed – without plate but with glass - after me shortly. I sorely doubted if I would serve him any further or just have a discussion with Mary about reconsidering and sending him back to the cowsheds or wherever he came from. If he’s well enough to be so overbearing, he should be well enough to walk into the kitchen. The first night with the Sith around had been much nicer than the morning after. But well, that’s the way it often is.
When we were separated from the ungrateful Sith Lord by a solid wooden door — not that I really believed it would provide some protection from his fury, but it did give some comfort — I nudged my companion: ”Mary, do you realize we will have actually TWO force-boys here? Which reminds me — where is Qui-Gon? He should be back anytime now.”
”You go talk to him when he gets back,” Mary instructed me, ”I’ll keep an eye on this one.”
She did twice, bringing back from her second trip the emptied plate. Sated, Maul had fallen asleep again, or so Mary told me. Since a Sith-taking-a-digestive-nap and a Jedi-not-at-home was in no way entertaining, we resumed our daily business for a while.
Just as I had begun wondering if Qui-Gon was ever going to return, I saw the Jedi stroll in through the gates. He looked like more alert than usual — unsettled, perhaps? From his remark I understood he had felt something, which he would describe as a disturbance in the Force, if he were at home.
I took his hand and guided him to sit down on one of the wood blocks. He arched an eyebrow.
”Such preparations seem to indicate that a serious talk is in order,” he said.
”Qui-Gon,” I began. ”We… today… you know we’ve acquired… a guest.”
He looked at me, then nodded slowly. ”I thought it would come to that.”
I was puzzled, reluctant to say what I was thinking, yet not sure whether he could read my thoughts and understand what I wanted. And I needed an answer.
"Can I be sure that there will be no trouble?" I asked.
Qui-Gon was a picture of serenity. ”Don’t worry, I’ll deal with this. I’ll protect you both.” And he rose.
”No!” I stopped him. ”That’s not…”
”It’s OK,” he said. ”You have a Sith Lord in your house. It is normal to be upset.”
”No, Qui — I want assurance that YOU will not create trouble. That you will help us, protect us if necessary, but otherwise not make any move against him.”
Now Qui-Gon was really puzzled. ”Why? I don’t think you understand. He’s a Sith, a creature of evil…”
”He’s a wounded, weak man who needed our help!” I shouted. ”He’s been here since yesterday evening,” I finished more slowly.
Qui-Gon sat back. For minutes he was deep in thought.
”Very well,” he finally said, ”but you must understand it may not be easy. I may still have to kill him to protect you, if it comes to that.”
”If it comes to that, then kill him,” I agreed. ”But until then, let’s see how things work out. The will of the Force,” I added cheekily.
I shouldn’t have said that. Where for me it was a jocular reference to an entertainment, for him it was a deadly serious matter. He couldn’t even suspect it could be joked about.
”Maybe you are right,” he said.
* * *
End of chapter two. What will happen next?
”With his last words we prepared to go to the house. Suddenly I felt Qui-Gon
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